Ok. So it’s mostly hate.
Sound the alarm… I am about to complain about the endless troubles I have with my overly abundant set of Ta-Ta’s. This is where all of my wonderful and beautiful lady friends who do not have the joys of two Cantaloupes sitting on their chest come out and say I am being a Whiny Negative Nancy. In the words of Amy Poehler, “Bitch, you don’t know my life!”
It’s 6:15 in the morning and I am rushing through my morning rituals just trying to get out the door. As I’m brushing my teeth I realize I want to wear something different to work today. This may seem like a really easy task for some people, but I assure you that it is no easy task for this chick. You see, my closet is filled with clothing that I know works for my body… And then there are those items of clothing I have bought in the hopes that someday they will work for my body. So I grab this really nice button down shirt I bought from The Limited and throw it on. I get it buttoned up to the point of professionalism and go back to getting ready. Hair is done, makeup is started, dog is walked and my lunch is packed. I am ready to rule the world. I make one last stop in the bathroom and as I am washing my hands I see it. The top three buttons have completely popped open and my girls are on display. After several failed attempts at trying to get them to stay buttoned, I run upstairs and opt for a regular shirt with a cami and I am out the door. #Winning.
After this fabulous start to the day, I spend the next hour and a half sitting in traffic going over all of the reasons I loathe my Double Delilah’s:
- Clothing with a “Built in Bra.” Hahahahahahahahaha. NO.
- Anything Backless. Wearing a Backless Dress/Shirt would require me to go Braless. If I chose to go braless, there is a huge possibility that these things could injure somebody.
- Adorable Ruffles. They look so sweet and romantic on the smaller chested women I know. I put on a shirt with ruffles and I have turned my Two Boobs into one big Uni-Boob.
- Lifejackets. These are a LOT of fun. It’s incredibly entertaining when you are in a group of kayakers getting ready to go out and you have to ask you fiancé to help shove you into the lifejacket because they only extend so far. Thanks love!
- Tables Everywhere. And Desks. You don’t realize how big your girls are until you sit down at work and casually glance down to see that the Twins are resting comfortably on top of the desk. I am so glad you are getting the rest you deserve ladies. SMH.
- Eating Anything. In case you were wondering, my cleavage is where crumbs go to hibernate. I mean, it is a very dark and warm area so I can see why they love it so much. I love getting home, ripping off my shirt and bra only to look down and see half a piece of celery, a gold fish, and a cheerio on the floor. At least I know if I am ever deserted somewhere, I can reach into my shirt and be sure to find something to keep me from starving.
- Turbulence. OUCH. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a plane or driving over ten potholes, turbulence is not my friend. You try putting two cantaloupes on your chest and have them violently bounce up and down and slam together repeatedly. No Bueno.
- Bikinis. Yeah… No. Trying to find a top big enough to not only cover the girls but hold them in is an impossible task. I always end up buying a top that I have to perform a rain dance over in the hopes that the Gods will listen to my pleas. I recently went out on a friend’s boat, and every time I bent over or jumped into the water, I had to hold onto the girls because I didn’t want a nip slip. It became the talk of the day and by the end of the trip I had earned myself a new nickname: NIPS.
- Rollercoasters. Let me just say that I LOVE Rollercoasters. I love ALL amusement park rides. However, there is nothing worse than getting into a rollercoaster and having the attendant have to put their body weight into getting the bars down tight enough to keep me “Safe.” Once the girls are trapped, it becomes all too clear that they are shoved so tight against me that I am no longer able to breathe. It’s a good thing the rides are only like a minute long. LOL.
- Victoria’s Secret Lingerie. LOLOLOLOL. It’s a month before Christmas and I am browsing the adorable/sexy/daring pieces of Mrs. Santa Claus Lingerie. I pick up one after another and try talking myself into buying it because there has to be a way it would work for me. The truth is, Victoria’s Secret caters to women from Cup A to a nice full Cup C. After that, it’s almost like Vicky doesn’t think there is a letter that comes after C. (Raises hand) “Ummmm… Over here Vicky! There is actually Double Letters Vicky!! Double D’s to be exact!” The little pieces of fabric with lace that are held together with a mere string simply do NOT work for my girls. Sigh. It’s better to just go naked.
This list could go on for quite a while, but I feel like I should only complain so much. Here are some parting issues you probably never found to be an issue if you don’t have a large chest: Running, Seatbelts, Cross-body Bags, Blazers, Strapless Dresses, and MY BACK HURTS. Aside from all of that, they are still mine. My fiancé seems to love them and I guess I never have to worry about NOT filling out a piece of clothing.