Shenanigans

To The Guy I Kicked On The Train This Morning: I’m Sorry

I am tired. No, tired doesn’t really have the right ring to it. I am exhausted. Like straight up haggard. I never thought there would come a day where I would be able to fall asleep on the train. But that day came. And it went. In fact, that day came and went like two months ago. Now when I wake up to get ready for work, I silently count down the minutes for me to be on the train so I can get my makeshift bed setup. I have my pillow. I have my blanket. I have my headphones. After I am all snuggled up next to the window, it takes me about 15 minutes before I am out. Like a boss!

Sadly, I am unable to stay dead asleep for the entire train ride to DC. I come to here and there if someone coughs really loud or drops their cellphone. But when I am asleep, it is pure, unadulterated blackout. This really hasn’t caused me any issues until today.

When my alarm (i.e. iPhone) went off this morning, I seriously contemplated taking my phone to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet. But I quickly realized this destructive line of thinking would only cause a lot of plumbing issues, a pissed off husband, and the loss of all things holy on my phone (because I still don’t understand the fucking “Cloud” and how it could possibly save all my shit).

So I sat up in bed and turned to look at my sleeping husband who didn’t have to wake up. As I watched him sleep, I could feel the indignation building within me. Why is this world so unjust?!?! (Violently waving my fists for emphasis). I so desperately wanted to reach over and flick him. Or maybe pinch that little fatty area right under his arm. Yyeessss the fatty tissue under the arm. He hates when I do that! Relax peeps. I did no such thing. Instead, I got up (slowly and begrudgingly) and went to get ready.

I could barely keep my eyes open getting ready, so I couldn’t wait to get to the train. When I finally made it to “My Seat” (I sit in the same seat every day), I drifted off to Zzzz Land. I feel like I should explain that three days a week, I ride the train into DC with my husband (Dave) and he naturally sits next to me. On these mornings, I don’t have to worry about being too close to the person next to me or worry about where my feet are placed. If I accidentally touch Dave with my foot, he won’t even flinch. Well, he might because he hates feet. But I won’t care because we are married and he will be fine. But on the mornings that D isn’t next to me, I have two whole seats to myself until the train fills up and a neighbor sits next to me. These are the mornings that I kind of sit sideways and stretch my legs out underneath both seats in front of me. So this morning was no different and I fell right to sleep.

I always wake up when someone plops down beside me. Que Mr. Suit and Tie “I am so important” guy. I felt the seat next to me creak as he sat down which jolted me awake. I still had my legs sprawled out under both seats in front of us, so I scrambled my body back up into a sitting position and offered a mumbled half assed attempt at an apology and fell back to sleep. This is where I prove that I am not just merely tired but have in fact passed into the “Drooling in Public” Stage. I actually started to dream this morning on the train. That never happens. So I was sleeping soundly enough to dream. This is all I remember:

I was dreaming about walking to work. I was trying to hurry because the Redline was backed up and I didn’t want to be late. My legs were hurting and it was hot and muggy. Because I was walking so briskly, I tripped and my legs went out from under me. End dream.

So I guess in my flailing from the fall in my dream, my body must have had a spasm because when I opened my eyes, my foot went shooting up hard and fast and right into the back crescent area of Mr. Suit and Tie “I am so important” guys knee. I was mortified. He jumped and was all like, “What the hell?!” And I started profusely apologizing. But he just gave me this look like I am some sick freak who likes to kick people. I asked if he was ok and his response was simply, “As long as you didn’t mess up my suit, we should be fine.” Really Dude?

So yeah, I suppose I’m sorry I kicked you this morning. I haven’t been sleeping well and sometimes I get a little too comfortable on the train. But here is a much needed reality check for you:

Your suit wasn’t that great, Sir. And it was dark shit brown! What could I have possibly done to your suit to make it look any worse? And lastly, I am all about embracing your curves, but your belt looked like it was struggling against the weight of Free Willy. You be you boo… Just maybe buy a bigger belt. The one you were wearing this morning deserves a nice Retirement Party. And maybe a trip to the leather doctor for reconstructive surgery.

Good Day, Mr. Suit and Tie “I am so important” guy. Good Day.

Xoxo Rebecca

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