We all have those moments where we are trying not to listen to someone else’s conversation but inevitably get sucked into their tiny little world. Ok, I don’t actually try not to listen; I am nosy by nature and I like to observe people. But I am sure there are plenty of you out there that respects other people’s worlds and tunes them out or maybe you really just don’t give a shit about what other people are doing so you don’t listen in. Either way, I have this incredible ability to listen to several different conversations at once. I can carry on a perfectly good convo with you while listening to the table next to me at a restaurant. This secret power of mine gets me into trouble at times and at the very least, I am sometimes left feeling unfulfilled and anxious because I let a moment pass where I could have offered my treasured words of wisdom that every single person wants to hear. Obviously.
Here are a few of those lost moments:
The Future Killer
So I was doing some last minute Xmas shopping on Christmas Eve (ok, I was doing ALL of my shopping on Christmas Eve because I failed at life in 2015), when I got in line behind a mom and her adorable daughter. She was this tiny little thing with bouncy, blonde curls and rosy little cheeks. She couldn’t have been a day over 6 years old. The line was long. Really long. The little girl was clearly agitated as she kept pulling and tugging on her mom’s hand trying to be set free. She was doing that swinging motion with her arms and leaning back on her heels and was whining about how it “wasn’t fair.” She must have said it “wasn’t fair” at least 12 times in a row. I kept thinking to myself, “Just wait sweet cheeks, life is one big fucking Game of Thrones.”
Her mom finally said, “Enough Zoe! Now stand still.” Up until this point, things were pretty normal. Until Little Zoe stood up straight, gritted her teeth, looked up at her mother and proclaimed (in a very serious, monotone voice), “I am going to chop his head off. I am going to cut it right off and he won’t have a head anymore!” To which her mother replied, “That’s not a nice thing to say about your brother, Zoe.”
Bitch, are you serious?!? Your precious little angel just described in gruesome detail how she was going to end her brother’s life and all you can think to say is that “It wasn’t nice?!”
Now I know parents out there are thinking that this is totally normal. All kids say this kind of thing when they don’t get their way. And yeah… I can see how that could happen. Maybe. Sometimes. But NO. This little girl was serious. Zoe took a stand that day in Bath and Body Works. She was determined to chop off her brother’s head. And the look of determination in her eyes was more than I could handle. I knew I was staring at a future Charles Manson. And I wanted to grab her and tell her that love conquers all and all that bullshit, but all I could do was stare. And smile. Because I for sure don’t want to wake up in 20 years with Little Zoe standing over my bed.
The Kid Who Sees Blue
I stopped at Panera Bread this past weekend for some Togo and happened to be standing next to a group of young boys waiting for their food as well. There were four of them and they were probably 13/14 years old. One of the boys started talking about one of the others shoes and how they were “definitely dark blue.” The other three boys were all in disagreement and clarified that the shoes were black. This debate went back and forth for a few minutes with the “Boy Who Can Only See Blue” not backing down. Those shoes were dark blue and nobody was gonna tell him otherwise.
I am standing there looking down at this kids shoes and they are the blackest shoes I have ever seen. All black. Midnight black. There is zero blue in these shoes. And I am getting agitated because this is one thing that drives me bonkers. How can you not tell the difference between Black and Blue? Orange and Red? Yellow and Green? If I look at something and say it’s Red but someone tells me it’s Orange, I want to shake them until they see Red. If I say something is Green, then it is Green. That’s it. I don’t care if you see Sunshine Yellow, just nod your head in agreement that it is in fact Green. I know, I know.. Some people are color blind. They can’t help it. Blah. Blah. Blah. You are still wrong and it makes me crazy.
So I jump in and tell Little Boy Blue that the shoes are black. Because I just couldn’t take it anymore. He was so clearly wrong and he obviously needed an “adult” to tell him the right answer. This kid just looked at me and said, “You’re wrong.” So then I was just beyond annoyed and said, “No, you’re just color blind. You should get that checked out.” Then I took my food and left as the three other boys laughed at Little Boy Blues expense. I know. I’m an asshole.
The Husband Who Knows Nothing About Canada
Sitting at Bakers and Baristas one day for lunch when a couple sits next to me. They are discussing where they should go on vacation in the summer. The husband wants to go somewhere tropical but the wife really wants to go to Canada.
The husband doesn’t seem very thrilled about this but his wife mentions visiting Ottawa. He asks her what is so special about Ottawa and she tells him it’s the capitol of Canada, and that it’s supposed to be really beautiful. He starts laughing and shaking his head. The wife asks him what is so funny and he says, “The capitol of Canada is Montreal, not Ottawa.”
They argued about this for several minutes. The husband was a total dick and after a few minutes, the wife actually started to doubt herself. This just lit a fire under my ass. Nothing is worse than watching some prick know-it-all berate his wife. Especially when the guy was so clearly wrong. So I quickly googled Ottawa, Canada… The tables are really close at this café so I leaned over and said, “I am sorry to interrupt, but would you take a look at this?” and I put my phone on the table in front of the husband. He looked at it, looked at me, and then looked at his wife and said, “Well, I guess you win this argument. Looks like I’m taking you to Canada.” Hahahahaha. So perfect.
Moral of this story: It is ok to be nosy and eavesdrop on peoples conversations. I think it makes a person well rounded. And it can always provide you with a good story to tell.
OH MY AWESOME. That is so cool that you put the wham down on both the kid and that a hole husband. I’m dying!
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Lol. Thanks! Yeah, I don’t have much of a filter. And I have even less patience for certain things. I couldn’t say anything to Little Zoe though. Just didn’t want to take that chance. Ha!
I just it when people like you put people in their place. It warms my bitter heart! And yeah, Zoe might have been a little aggressive, but her mom is to blame. Not only did she not correct her, but she was out shopping on Christmas Eve. Girl just wanted to be at home opening her sword to cut off her brother’s head.
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Lmaooooo. Definitely so true!