I Failed Today So You Didn’t Have To

If I had a dollar for every time I failed today, I would have approximately $6.00. That’s not a whole lot of dollars but it could buy a family of three dinner at McDonalds, so that stands for something. Either way, it is way too many fails for one day.

This last month has been torture. I am convinced I kicked small children in a past life as a hobby and now I have to pay for every single one of those little bastards I round-housed.

After finding out I have TMJ after three weeks of suffering, I took the doctors’ orders very seriously and waited for my face to stop feeling like Freddy Krueger’s razor hand was constantly giving it a high five. That was two weeks ago and Freddy is still hanging out in my dreams and following me around during the day.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I developed a very annoying scratchy throat two nights ago that has turned into its own Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy is now playing “tickle” with the inside of my throat. And the congestion is setting in. Helllooooo Mucus! I almost stayed home today… Almost. Instead, I decided to play with my life today and I realize now that I made a very poor choice.

Stats: Fails (6) Rebecca (0)

• I tripped and fell boarding my train this morning. I decided I didn’t need to lift my leg to take the next step so I almost ate the floor.
• While exiting the metro this morning, I chose the handicap exit over a normal exit because I was too damned lazy/weak to lift my second bag up and over the barrier. I just wanted the extra space so I could walk through whilst dragging my bag. I guess I was walking to slow because the triangular jaws of death that retract when you walk through, extended at lightning speed and jabbed the side of my thigh causing me to almost trip yet again.
• I tried to push instead of pull on the door into my building. A door I have entered hundreds of times… A clear, glass door in front of four security guards.

• I knew hot tea would be my best friend today and I always have a stash of organic green tea lying around. My first cup this morning proved to be a challenge. We have a water cooler that produces almost boiling water (like most offices) for the perfect cup of tea. In my sickly stupor, I thought it was a good idea to “test” the water with my finger to make sure it was hot enough. It was definitely hot enough. I am currently typing with nine fingers instead of ten.
• I tried paying for a smoothie with my government ID. It has a chip in it just like my bank card, so this isn’t too farfetched. Right?
• Worst fail of all: Sneezing and not covering my mouth in time… Twice. I will let your imagination run wild with what you think happened when I did this. It took several Lysol wipes to clean up my immediate area.

The day isn’t even over yet. I still have to get myself home.

Xoxo Rebecca