Tick Tock. Tick Tock. My clock is running low on batteries. Thirty is literally right around the corner. The husband and I are finally at that point where we have decided that trying for a family is going to happen in the somewhat near future. It’s wonderful and terrifying all at the same time. In the past several months we have had many discussions about babies and children. Over the last (almost) decade we have discussed raising a family and what we expect from each other. It isn’t a new topic. But now that we are actually looking down the very short tunnel to a Brady Bunch, I am nauseous and sweaty. Holy shit, we may actually procreate.
I love children. That is actually an understatement. I adore children and I think they are so much better than adults. I have always loved taking care of babies and children under the age of 10. After 10 they kind of turn into little fuckers but that’s ok. I have always dreamed of having a family and I am the first person to volunteer to watch your littles so you can have an hour or two of peace. Kids are great. So why am I suddenly feeling so anxious?! I think I know why.
See, there are so many articles and books out there about what you and your partner should discuss before having kids. The questions that you should both ask yourselves before you make the step that will change your life forever. Questions like:
“What religion do we teach, if any?”
“Should we do public or private school?”
“How will we discipline our kids?”
“Helicopter parent or free range?”
These are all the important questions that you and your partner need to discuss and agree on, right? No. Nope. Those aren’t the questions you need to be asking… Alright alright, I agree that maybe they should be discussed. They are key players in raising a human. But those aren’t the questions I am discussing today. No, the questions that everyone needs to ask before having a teeny tiny little shitter are the following:
“Am I ready to sing endless amounts of Disney/Giggle Bellies songs over and over again?”
“Am I ready to give up my trash tv for never ending episodes of Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer?”
“Will I ever truly be ready for the moment I step on a Lego in the dark while trying to reach my child who is screaming from a nightmare?!” (The answer is a big fat NO. Nobody is ever ready for that).
“Have I reached the proper level of adult to control myself and refrain from kicking the child that decides to bully my own?” (This is a very important level of adulting that should be reached before bringing life into this world).
“Vaccinations. Can I keep myself from throat punching any parent who decides against vaccinating their child and boasts about it?” (This is a tough one).
“Am I ready to have a small child hanging from my leg while I use the bathroom for the next forever?”
“Am I ready for life’s greatest tragedies like giving my child their favorite sandwich with the crusts cut off only to discover that they now want the crusts on and I have actually ruined their life? And you already know that I cant make them a new sandwich with the crusts on because they want THAT specific sandwich, so I need to magically make crusts appear or else. Or the time I decide to push the elevator button instead of letting Little Lucy Loo push it and she drops to the floor in convulsions acting like I just beat her senseless? Am I ready for this?”
“Am I ready to lose control over my bladder every time I laugh or sneeze really hard?”
“Am I ready to share my ice cream and chocolate?”
“No, really. Am I prepared to not have a tub of chocolate ice cream that is solely my own? Because you can’t hide food from kids. They will find that shit and eat all of it. Leaving you to silently cry in your closet over the fact that you can no longer come home with hope.”
These are just a few questions that should be asked before you decide you want babies. I can answer a solid YES to every single one of the questions above. I have mentally prepared myself for all of these very important changes. I got this!
Ok, if I am being honest, I am still struggling with that last question. How will I ever prepare myself for the sad reality that I can no longer stash Snickers Ice Cream Bars in the freezer and have them all to myself?!? This world is a cruel place.