Nothing is more awkward than walking into the office bathroom and thinking you are completely alone, only to realize while washing your hands there is someone silently camped out in one of the stalls. There was someone in there the entire time and you never noticed! The Silent Ninja Pooper… I need to be completely honest here: I would much rather walk in and start using the bathroom and hear a fellow bathroom patron let one out than sit in a stall while some weirdo practices unnatural poop voodoo to keep them completely still and silent. It’s just creepy!
How is it even possible? I don’t understand the science behind it which means I am correct in assuming these type of people conjure up some kind of dark magic to ensure not a single molecule of air or other matter releases from their beings while someone else is in the restroom with them. Do they have special powers that allows them to start this natural process only to halt immediately upon the presence of another human being? And this same super power enables them to hold that process for an indeterminate amount of time until said person starts, finishes, washes up, and leaves? Someone really needs to do a study on this… For my sake.
Look, I get it. Nobody likes doing their private business in a public forum. I hate it. And there is no rulebook on proper office bathroom etiquette. But can we all agree that playing a dead corpse when you hear that bathroom door open is very misleading to the person entering? That you are, in fact, setting this person up for a very awkward moment if they decide to talk out loud to themselves while peeing because they thought they were alone and, therefore, free to debate whether they want a salad or cheeseburger for lunch? I am not saying I have ever done this… This is strictly hypothetical.
Here are some other super annoying things you should never do at work:
- It should go without saying that you shouldn’t eat other people’s food. I had half of an &Pizza left from lunch one day. I labeled the box with my full name and the date in bold Sharpie and put it in the fridge. The next day I found my &Pizza box in the fridge… Upside down and empty. Some fuckboy had the audacity to eat my pizza and throw the empty box back in the fridge when he was finished.
- Clipping of the nails. Why in all things holy would anyone think it’s appropriate to clip their nails and toenails at work?! The sound alone makes my gag reflex work in overdrive. But if I can see you hunched over your desk chair, struggling to reach your baby toe, and see a pile of toenails on the floor, I am legit going to lose my cookies. Like, what are you even doing at home?!
- Leaving your lunch in the microwave. Maximum amount of time your food should be in a cancer causing machine is like 5 minutes. So why do people put their Lean Cuisine in the microwave, type in 3 ½ minutes, and then just walk away? They don’t come back for 15 minutes and then their food is cold so they nuke it again. Meanwhile, you have someone like me who is (was?) a super considerate person and patiently waits for my microwave turn and doesn’t remove your meatloaf platter from the microwave to sit on the counter. Its five minutes people.. Just play your WWF turn on your cell while you wait. It’s what you were doing anyway when you went back to your office.
- The Elevator. If you get on an elevator that already has seven people on it, and the only way you fit is by everyone else squishing into each other’s body parts, you might be an asshole. If you do all of that and then proceed to hit floor number two, you are definitely an asshole.