I am a magnet for the weird, strange, and just plain creepy. But this week has been next level. I don’t know if it’s the way the stars are aligned, or if I am putting off this extra powerful force that keeps attracting these ridiculous people but I am ready to hit the reset button.
Monday – It started out like most Monday’s. Miserable. Woke up, got ready, hopped on a train, and headed into D.C. I was all in my feelings because that’s just how I am sometimes. The Universe gets really loud and abrasive and every part of me tends to focus on all the terrible things going on in this world.
I get off my train and hop on the Metro. It was hot, muggy, and a very crowded Monday morning Metro ride. I get to my stop and I start the walk to my building. Now it’s no secret that I have a regular group of Homeless folks that I talk to and occasionally give care packages to or buy a cup of coffee for them on a cold morning. This particular morning I didn’t see any of my regulars on my walk in, rather, I passed three separate elderly homeless people I had never seen before.
All three of them were sitting with their only belongings, they looked frail and tired, and none of them were begging for anything. This just added to my already somber mood and as I walked I just kept thinking about how unfair this world can be. My mind just didn’t want to still and all I wanted to do was go home and crawl back in bed.
Then it happened. There was a man walking towards me and we were the only two on the sidewalk (I am always 100% aware of my surroundings). He is getting closer and starts to veer towards me like he wanted to walk up and start a chat. I slowed my pace waiting to see what his intentions were. He gets about five feet from me, looks me dead in the eye, unzips his pants, takes out his penis, and then abruptly turns toward the building next to me and starts pissing. It was 7:45 in the morning y’all. I had not had my coffee yet and this dude made me hate the world 500 times more than I already did that day. And no, he most definitely wasn’t homeless and as far as I could tell, dude was perfectly ok mentally. Just a weird, creepy shit.
Tuesday – Tuesday went by pretty uneventful. Except for the girl directly behind me on the Metro who touched my hair and told me how soft it was. Look, the Metro is a very unforgiving place. Some days you get lucky and you have about an arm’s length of space between you and the next person. Most days you are actually squished together like I can of sardines, only everyone is standing up and everyone’s body parts become tangled together like old Christmas Tree Lights. There is a lot of accidental touching which I already despise with every cell in my body. So DO NOT, under any circumstance, touch me on purpose and then whisper your approval in my ear. Unless I know you, then it might be acceptable.
Wednesday – I made it through Wednesday without a scratch. My dog was acting pretty strange though. He kept barking and growling at the wall, but I am sure there is a scientific explanation for this.
Thursday – It was early afternoon and I needed a pick me up to get through the rest of my day. I decided a Dunkin run was in order. I work close to Chinatown in D.C. and Chinatown always has an eclectic mix of people that hang out and around the area. I had just paid for my coffee and left Dunkin when two guys walked up beside me and matched my pace. One of them said, “Excuse me, can you please tell me what a baby horse is called?” I figured they were just trying to be smart asses but decided I would play. I told him that a baby horse is called a Foal. He turned to the other guy and yelled, “See!! I told you it was a Foal and not fawn.” Like he was actually upset with the other dude. Lol. The guy who clearly missed a class in elementary school was very confused and looked pretty deflated, like we had just burst this massive bubble he had been floating in since childhood. So he asked what a fawn is and simultaneously we both said it was a baby deer. Dude walked off away from his friend and didn’t look back. Strange, very strange.
Friday (today) – So the day isn’t over yet but I really need it to be. I decided I would take myself to lunch because nobody is at work today and I did all of my work because I am sick at my job. There is also an actual Monsoon outside currently and everyone received Flash Flood Warnings on their phone for the area. I decided I was going to brave the elements because, BEAST. I get to my destination and sit at the bar because no server ever wants a one top. I am the ONLY person at the bar. It was 1:30 but apparently I was the only hungry person in D.C. today. I order my water (you guys thought I was gonna say Jack) and my food. I’m chillin, watching the flood waters outside, enjoying my H2O, when a food runner comes up behind me and says, “Here are your balls.”
Ummm, so yeah, I ordered a very fancy meatball appetizer that has a really fancy name in Spanish that I can’t pronounce. But meatballs is English, no? And it isn’t that far off from “balls,” so would saying the entire word just take too much effort? I looked at the guy who clearly thought he was being clever and grabbed the bowl out of his hands whilst giving him the death glare.
I settle in to enjoy my lunch when a woman comes walking in. Now, at this point, I am still the only person sitting at the bar. And the bar is a larger one. There were at least 20 open bar seats. This woman makes her way to the bar and stops at every single open chair, contemplating. Then she gets to the seat next to me and pulls the chair out letting it screech across the wood floor. She throws her drenched umbrella onto the bar top, rips off her wet jacket which sends water rivulets flying my way, and plops down right beside me. Who does that? Who walks into a bar and sees tons of open seats and chooses to sit directly next to the only other bar patron?! If she was looking for conversation she came to the wrong bar and sat by the wrong patron. I had to move my food and my phone and make myself uncomfortable so that she had room. WHHHYYYYY??? There was an entire bar full of open space and she had to invade mine.
The bartender walks over and asks her what she would like to drink. And this chick didn’t answer because she was too busy taking a SELFIE. Lord Baby Jesus please hold me back. The bartender starts to walk away and the woman goes, “Excuse me, I would like a drink.” That was it. I literally could fucking not. I turned my head and looked her dead in the face and said, “Really?” She was like, “What?”
I just put my fork down, stood up, and moved all of my personal items and food three seats down from her. It was either that or I was going to jail.
So that’s been my week of WTF’s. Looking forward to what the weekend holds.