My Daily Thoughts While Driving Through Hell

I sit in a lot of traffic. A lot. Every day is an unknown abyss of what lies ahead for me when I start my car to head to work. Will I have a moderately smooth ride into work today with minimal traffic? Will I contemplate the many ways I could ram into the back of every vehicle that cuts me off just to get one car length ahead of me to go nowhere? With each new day brings endless possibilities for traffic. Last night, as I sat in horrendous traffic, I realized that the many thoughts that go through my head while driving are probably shared with many other daily drivers. I have put together a list of some of the most fabulous thoughts I have had while sitting in Hell:

• To the guy without the tinted windows. I can see you eating your boogers. I realize that we will probably never meet in real life, and you will go about your day shaking people’s hands that have no idea what you do with them, but stop. No really… STOP. It’s gross.
• TURN SIGNAL ASSHOLE!!! It isn’t optional. This isn’t a choice of whether or not you want pickles on your sandwich. Turn Signals were made for a reason. Unless you are on the open road without a car in sight, USE IT. When there are 300 cars surrounding me and you decide to come into my lane, I expect a little Warning. Dick.
• “OMG I have to peeeeeeeeee!!!” “Nearest Exit” sign says six miles and you haven’t moved more than three feet in this parking lot called 95. “Why did I drink that X-Large Coffee?!”
• It’s a 4-way Stop people. Not a staring eye contest. In order for things to move effectively, I am going to need you to suck it up and make the first move.
• BING!!!! “Are you serious?! I literally just filled the gas tank two days ago! You pick now to tell me you are empty when I am sitting still with no gas station in sight?!”
• To the chick trying (and failing miserably) to apply makeup while driving… You think you are a pro at this and you think you are driving in a straight line. I assure you that you ARE NOT. You are making it incredibly difficult for me to not side-swipe your 1992 Chevy Cavalier every time you decide to cross the line. Get your life together Sweetheart. That makeup isn’t really doing you any favors honestly. You are just asking for me to swerve left suddenly and unexpectedly to scare the shit out of you, causing you to stab yourself in the eye with that mascara wand.
• If you are 98 years-old and the only thing I can see is the tiny bald spot on top of your head when I drive past your car, it’s time. Hang up the keys, hire a driver, and call it a day.
• To every inner city inhabitant that thinks it’s a good idea to stand on the double lines in the middle of the road as cars fly by you on both sides: You deserve to get hit. You are a real piece and I won’t feel bad when someone takes you out.
• The same goes for anyone who jumps out in front of my car while I am going a steady 30 MPH. Are you fucking kidding me?! You just made me slam on my breaks and caused the car behind me to come within inches of eating my bumper because you are too stupid to use a crosswalk. That’s what the little white man is for!!! When you see him flash across the red light screen, then it is OK to walk. Anyone who walks (or more accurately jumps in front of a moving vehicle) before that little white man is present, deserves to get hit. Period.
• Put the Burger DOWN people. Nothing is worse than watching someone struggle when choosing between taking a bite of that Whopper with Cheese or actually steering the wheel and driving. You are all over the place and holding traffic up.
• If we are at a stoplight and you beep your horn at me .02 seconds after that light turns green, I am going to put my car in park. I will sit there while you lay on your horn, turn red and purple in the face, and I will politely smile and wave as you flip me the bird. I got nothing but time baby.
• GET OFF OF YOUR PHONE!!!!!!! Uggghhhhhh. Nothing pisses me off more than someone on their cell phone while driving. I am talking about the person who has been staring down at their phone for the past 20 minutes of driving and has been riding their breaks because they think that is an effective driving method. I really hope you run into the back of someone. I don’t want any injuries… But the satisfaction of watching you shit your pants will really make my day.
• Are you really taking a Selfie of yourself right now?? Dumbass.
• “Oh Shit! Was that a cop?! Phew. No. We are good.”
• The fast lane is for driving fast people. Strange concept, I know.
• A ramp is for merging… You don’t stop on a ramp!! Are you trying to get me to run you off the road?!
• Please, for the love of God, if I graciously let you over, shoot me a wave, a head nod, or even a thumbs up sign. When you completely ignore the fact that I was the only person who let you over after watching your blinker blink for five minutes, it makes me want to follow you to your destination and tell you to your face that you are, in fact, a little fucker.
• I think I just saw a hooker. It’s too cold out for that shit!
• “Hahahahahaha!!!! I totally outsmarted the speed camera! Yessssssss!!!!” Three seconds later: “Shit. They set up a second one. Sigh. There goes $50.00.”

The list goes on and on… There are so many idiot drivers out there. Every day is a new challenge. And in less than 15 minutes, I will be on yet another adventure driving home. Let’s see what lies ahead for me tonight…