I wanted to be a Pediatrician. Then, I wanted to be a Psychologist. Later on, I settled on Journalism. Yes, I would be a world renowned journalist. The type of journalist that would travel the world and report on the many inconsistencies that this world has to offer. This was all before the age of 13. I wanted to be all three. I wanted to heal sick children, listen and help those that needed guidance on their innermost turmoil’s, and expose the awful flagrancies that envelopes the world around us.
And then there was Law. At first, it was forensics. I loved the idea of field work and hours spent in a lab trying to piece together a crime scene. I wanted to be a part of something that would find and capture a relentless killer or sordid rapist. Except, I was never particularly great at science. I was an average student when it came to science. And math? Forget about it. If equations were involved, I was NOT the person you would want on your team.
I moved onto a much bigger dream. CIA or FBI. I knew I had what it takes to work in intelligence or any other kind of investigative work. I knew I would be willing and able to get down into the deepest parts of another country’s corrupt government or entwine myself into a questionable group of people who had an agenda in order to find out their secrets and plans. I love to investigate and research. I always have. I was 14 years old and ready to disappear and become a “secret agent.” Lol. It seems so silly now. This isn’t the movies. I knew that wasn’t a realistic goal but I also knew that I had a certain skill set and I wanted to use it.
Police work? It was a fleeting thought before I realized I didn’t want to be a cop. But Law? Working in the legal field and finding an area of law that I was passionate enough about to fight for, seemed right. It just fit. I knew that I loved to research and find discrepancies in things. I knew that I loved a good argument (otherwise referred to as a debate). I knew that I had a passion for right and wrong and I wanted to do something that would make a difference. Yes, I was young and naïve and I really thought I could make a difference. Don’t we all have that feeling when we are young? Except, I still have that feeling. But I also have an overwhelming understanding of reality. I guess that just comes with age. Either way, I followed this path. Law was my chosen path. I am still chasing it. I am finally working in an area of law that I feel strongly about and it feels good… But there’s more. I don’t feel as though I have completely fulfilled my destiny. If there is such a thing… Who knows.
The world is always shifting. My world is always shifting. That is the best way that I can describe it at this point. I get restless, unsure of my surroundings. There are things that I am able to reach out and grasp and then there are things that I am always searching for. I don’t care for staying in one place too long. I have never really felt a connection to any one place as “home.” There are times I realize I am completely nomadic and I have this crushing urge to run. I don’t, of course.
The thing is, I am happy. This isn’t about happiness or unhappiness. It’s about feeling like there is more to life than what I have experienced. It feels like a job that is not yet complete, or a painting that I have not yet finished. And this is life. Life is constantly moving, evolving around us.
I know I am not the only one who walks around with doubt or questions whether or not there is more to life than what is right in front of me. I watch people every day and I wonder what their story is. Some people are hard to read, others not so much. Sometimes I look at a person and I can just see that they are splitting open, ready to burst out in anger, fear, or sadness. I know that feeling. That feeling comes and goes at times. It’s as if your soul is weeping. How do you explain that to people? How can you explain to someone that you just don’t feel complete? Unsettled. I am simply unsettled.
I have thought about this a lot lately and I have been racking my brain for an answer or a solution. I tell myself that it is silly to feel this way and I know that most people will read this and think that I am just going through “something.” These feelings will get written off as “anxiety” or “depression” or “ADD.” Lol. But that’s not it and I know it. Again, this isn’t about happiness or being unhappy. It’s a much bigger picture.
And then it came to me this morning while walking to work. It was such a beautiful morning, the air was light and the sky was a clear blue. It has been so incredibly stiff and muggy lately, so I haven’t spent much time walking outside and taking in my surroundings. But, this morning, as I was walking and looking at the different shadows that were being cast on the old limestone and marble buildings, it flooded over me unexpectedly. This feeling of happiness and contentment. I love my work, I love the city I work in, I have a very loving (sometimes overly grumpy in an old man kind of way) husband, great friends and family, and I have the most amazing pup who loves me unconditionally. I have all of these wonderful things. And it feels good. In those moments, I am not unsettled. So what is the deal? Personal growth. I am growing as an individual. Becoming more in tune with who I am. I have been for a while now.
I used to feel like people changed as they got older. I don’t think that’s the case anymore. I think that people just eventually start to grow into who they were meant to be… They start to figure out who they are. Whether or not they embrace it is another topic for another time. For me, I am growing. I think I am trying to figure out what my purpose in this life is. I feel as though I am where I should be at this moment but I also know that there is more for me, waiting. In the last year or so, I have really started to lean towards certain things that others may not understand. And that’s ok. Because it isn’t for anyone else to understand. It’s my life. I shouldn’t feel the need to conform to any one person’s opinion on what my life should be or what I should be doing. In saying that, I have to remember to not box myself in. I have to remember that I am many things and I will continue to grow.
This is my journey, my story; and my story is far from finished. There are still so many chapters that have yet to be written.