I am deathly afraid of spiders. I am so afraid of spiders that if there is one in the same room as me that nobody can reach to kill, I will not return to that room until I have proof that it no longer breathes the same air as me. I suffer from extreme Arachnophobia.
So today at work, I am minding my own business, working diligently, when I feel something tickling my leg. I shook my leg a few times thinking it was a string from my pants or maybe a piece of my long blonde hair that got tangled up in the cotton during the last wash cycle. After a few seconds, I feel it again, only this time it felt like something was actually crawling up my leg. Of course my mind goes to worst case scenario:
There is a highly poisonous tarantula imbedding itself into my flesh to lay its millions of eggs that will ultimately hatch and then I will have millions of poisonous baby tarantulas invading my body and I will die. But only after suffering months of agonizing pain and having to watch these baby alien creatures crawl throughout my body. It will be like Predator, only worse. Much worse.
All of the above flashes through my brain in a matter of like .02 seconds, so I jump up from my chair and start jumping up and down and shaking my pants leg trying to get this tarantula OUT. I see something hit the floor. It isn’t a tarantula but it is a spider. A very big spider. Like the size of my thumb. At this point, I am already freaking out at the fact that this thing was just on my being. But the sight of it? The actual sight of this bullshittery causes me to yell out HOLY FUCK!!!!! As I start viciously stomping all over this spider. It was a very traumatizing 30 seconds.
After I calm the fuck down, I realize I am at work. I look around and thankfully most people seem to be out at lunch. But I know for a fact that the Law Intern who sits in the office next to me is at his desk. And I am 99% sure that one of the attorney’s three doors down is in his office to. His door is shut but if he was in there he definitely heard ALL OF MY PSYCHOTIC BREAKDOWN. Neither one of them has said anything to me all day.
So after my “episode”, I started thinking about phobias and what else was out there. I decided to do a little research and I found some incredibly weird/disturbing phobias that are too good not to share.
- Mageirocophobia: Fear of Cooking. “Some people are only afraid of cooking for large groups, while others are afraid of whipping up scrambled eggs for themselves.” These people are afraid of things such as serving inedible food or not having a good presentation. Hmmmm. So the next time I don’t feel like making dinner I can just tell my husband I have Mageirocophobia.
- Deipnophobia: Fear of Dinner Conversation. “Fear of dining, dinner conversations or carrying on a conversation while eating. Symptoms typically include extreme anxiety, dread and anything associated with panic such as shortness of breath.” Finally. An excuse for not having to make small talk with people I just met at dinner parties.
- Arachibutyrophobia: Fear of Peanut Butter Sticking to the Roof of your Mouth. Here is the testimony of one alleged sufferer: “Whenever I’m around peanut butter I start to sweat excessively and my body starts convulsing. The roof of my mouth becomes coarse and itchy. I can’t live with this fear anymore. My thirst for peanut butter must be quenched without me going into a full blown panic attack.” Ummmmmmmm. What is wrong with you? Peanut butter is the holy grail of all butters and I live for the moment that it gets stuck on the roof of my mouth. It is so damned delicious!
- Cathisophobia: Fear of Sitting. Yes, you read that correctly. There are people who are afraid of sitting. “This disorder can be sparked off by a particularly nasty case of hemorrhoids but in some serious cases it can be due to physical abuse relating to sitting on sharp or painful objects.” Ok, I get it. Being forced to sit on a razor sharp knife might make me hesitant to sitting down. But come on… Sitting?
The list is pretty endless. Here are a few others that I just have no words for:
- Omphalophobia: Fear of Navels. As in belly buttons. Sucks to be you.
- Trypophobia: Fear of Holes. I can’t even be an ass about this one. I mean, there are holes everywhere so I feel for those poor souls.
- Turophobia: Fear of Cheese. We can’t be friends. Weirdo.
- Ablutophobia: Fear of Bathing. Yeah… We also can’t be friends. I am very sensitive to smell.
- Geniophobia: Fear of Chins. Chins??
- Chrometophobia: Fear of Money. No worries! I will take all of your money. Problem solved.
After my research I think it is safe to say that my fear of spiders is pretty damn normal. So the next time someone wants to get all superior and tell me I am being “irrational” I will just start naming off random shit like “Go take a bath” or “Show me the money” and wait for someone to hit the ground and start weeping. #Boom