This week I have managed to almost throat punch someone approximately twelve times. My restraint is admirable. So many things have annoyed the shit out of me this week that I am surprised I am still socializing with the outside world. Because I could use a sabbatical. I’m talking Cabin in the Woods, no internet, no technology, no humans type of sabbatical. One can dream, right?
How have I been annoyed beyond belief you ask? Let me count the ways:
The multiple groups of people that take up the entire sidewalk who refuse to make room for anyone walking in the opposite direction as them. I stopped caring a long time ago. So now I just shoulder people and basically play chicken with anyone not willing to move over far enough for me to walk by. And I never bail. I’m dedicated as fuck. Imma walk right into you head on with a straight face. But I shouldn’t have too!!!!! Uuuugghhhhhh. 
My $12 lettuce and onion wrap. What I asked for was a turkey and cheddar wrap with L/T/O. It was $12 and some change. That’s wrap only. No drink or side included. What I got was a wrap filled with shredded lettuce and chopped onions. I spent $12 on some lettuce. Meanwhile, an extreme coupon lady spent $12 on enough food and toiletries to last three months. #Fail 
The Sculpture Garden being partially closed off. Some days, the only reason I don’t walk out and quit my job is because the Sculpture Garden, with it’s beautiful fountain, offers me peace and tranquillity for a few much needed moments of silence. In the winter it turns into a magical ice rink filled with laughter and unspoken aspirations. Sadly, there is a period between seasons that this part gets shut down so they can set up and prepare for summer/winter. Well I didn’t get the memo that it was already closed for winter prep. So my sanctuary wasn’t available this week. It was more depressing than a Savage Garden Cover Band. 
Every. Single. Person. Who thinks it’s acceptable to smoke a cigarette right outside of an entrance to an establishment. Yes, when I walk out of Cosi, I would love nothing more than to walk right into your billowing cloud of nicotine. It’s exhilarating. 
The guy who sat next to me on the train this morning for an hour and a half texting with his sound turned all the way up. Y’all remember Dumb and Dumber? When Lloyd asks if everyone wants to hear the most annoying sound in the world… Well Lloyd was wrong. The incessant click, click, click, of someone texting for an hour and a half straight is, in fact, the most annoying sound in the world. 
Starbucks. Just anything and everything about my Starbucks experience. But I can’t even be mad. I keep going back and giving them my money. But I swear if I see one more employee talking on their cellphone while making drinks I might just flip every damn table in there. Twenty minutes for an Iced Coffee when there are a total of three customers in the joint is unacceptable. The attitudes, the filthy coffee station and floors, the three employees standing around talking about weekend plans when there is a line out the door, all of it. Just no. 
My boss continuously ignoring my emails. Like, I got the Read Receipt and you are answering other peoples emails, just not mine. I wonder if I can just start ignoring your emails. 
The Facebook Swipe Left Feature. It’s basically Snapchat/Instagram rolled into one. Listen Facebook, I’m holding my phone at an angle where I am perceived to have five chins. So when I inadvertently swipe left and see my no neck, five chin face, it is very startling. Nobody should have to experience that.
Every individual who walked by me today and said, “Happy Friday!” Like I don’t have to be back here in just a little over 48 hours. It’s hardly something to celebrate. #Bitter 
But you best believe at 4:30 today this was me all the way out the door:
Have a great weekend y’all.
Rebecca
The Slightly Spiked Latte 